I lost my cool. I got upset. I got angry. And then I wasn’t nice.
Let me tell you the story.
I was trying to get a new email set up and during this process a note from the provider popped up that said “it is required to update to version 16.” I thought to myself, “Ok, no big deal” and I clicked the button. The computer did its thing and I’m thinking, “This isn’t so bad, I can handle this.” And then the worst thing in the world happened when I opened the program. All of my existing emails were gone!! Just like that. I could feel tension building in my shoulders and anxiety as it crept from my shoulders to my head and face.
Then the flush of thoughts ran through my mind, “Oh my gosh, what am I going to do? 5 years of history, gone in an instant!” “This is awful!” etc., etc., etc.
I got on the helpline phone with the provider. Three hours later there was no solution. The next day, 3 more hours and we might have pinpointed the problem. Enter in our IT consultant. More time “wasted” just trying to figure out the issue.
Four (4) days total to be exact. 4 days of dealing with a mess, 4 days of non-productive down-time. All the while I’m losing my cool. I could sense it, I could feel it, but I was not able to stop it. I was aware that intense feelings of concern and anger at the computer system were arriving full force.
One might think that after years of yoga practice, that I would remain calm and wouldn’t lash out when things are not going well (also translated as “my way”). But that’s why we practice. We practice so that we don’t just go through life half-cocked - unaware of our emotions and our impact on the world.
One positive effect of my practice is that I know how I felt (horrible for being less than kind) and what I did (used strong tones and being angry at people who were just trying to help). I was aware that I wasn’t handling the situation very well. Maybe I didn’t completely stop some bad behavior, but at least there wasn’t a meltdown. And, I now know that the sensation of tensing shoulders is a message. It means to me that I am moving from frustration to anger and I need to take a moment and a breath to center myself and re-gather my composure. A personal time-out before I say another word.
So I did that. I took a moment for myself to breathe, to step away from the issue (figuratively) and find that calm place within myself (inner resource) where there is space. Space to ponder, space to regroup, space to allow a new or different way to respond to develop.
When I did that, I was able to redirect my thinking to find a solution to the real issue, life became manageable again. Although the computer system was down and unusable, that wasn’t the issue. The real issue was my work wasn’t getting done. Time pressure, time constraints were the real issue. Simple fix. Find another computer to use and enlist some help to fix the computer.
I’m going to consider this a practice round. Next time, I will handle the situation, whatever it is, better.
I’m sorry I behaved poorly. A little self-forgiveness goes a long way. Now I will apologize to the other people involved and hope they will forgive me too.
See you at practice!
Blessings & Namaste,
Classes at back at CRC